An Old Fish Tale
by obnoxiousowlwitch
Summary: The first in a series of Monster Hunter AU stories featuring The Three Caballeros. While Panchito and José are visiting Donald in America, Scrooge whisks them all off on one of his treasure hunting adventures. Local legend tells of a fearsome creature who guards the old wreck the treasure is said to rest in, and our heroes' lack of caution sets them up for many adventures to come.


**A/N: I would like to dedicate this story to my three good friends, co-conspirators, and proofreaders, Spoopie, Kaylee, and Mari. They're the ones who supply me with headcanons and ideas, and without their interest and encouragement, this AU never would have taken off and I likely would have stopped at just a few simple drawings and ramblings on Tumblr. I sincerely hope this is as enjoyable for you all to read as it was for us to work on.**

* * *

It all started with a call from an old friend.

The phone rang as Donald frantically turned the heat down on the spaghetti that was threatening to boil over. He answered it with one hand and continued stirring dinner with the other.

"Hello?" he garbled through to the other end, setting the wooden spoon across the top of the pot as he checked on a second one filled with meatballs.

"Collect call from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Will you accept the charges?"

Rio? He only knew one person from Rio... His excitement outweighed his annoyance as he accepted the charges and waited to be connected. Two voices greeted him at once.

 _"¡Donald, mi amigo! ¿Como estas?"_

 _"Pato Donal'! Como vai?"_

"Panchito Pistoles and José Carioca! Boy oh boy, I wasn't expecting both of you! I'm doing swell, just making some-" He cut himself off, fully registering that they were _both_ calling. "Wait... what trouble are you two in now?"

There was laughter on the other end.

"No, no trouble Donal'!" José assured him. "We just wanted to know, what are you doing this weekend?"

"I don't know? Why?"

"So then you have no plans? None at all?"

 _"Why?"_

There was a rustling noise and something muttered in indignant Portuguese.

"Because we are coming to see you, _amigo_!" Panchito yelled into the receiver, followed by a screeching cry that nearly made Donald to drop the phone. He quickly recovered himself and replied,

"Really? That's great! Should I meet you anywhere? When does your flight get in?"

"Easy, Donal', one thing at a time," José laughed, having taken the phone back from his friend. "We have not even booked our tickets yet."

"You haven't? Well, get on it! How long have you been planning this?"

"Eh... _cinco, dez, quinze, vinte_... About twenty-five minutes."

"Twenty-five minutes?!" Had they thought this through at _all_?

" _Mais ou menos_. We wanted to make sure you were free before we did anything."

"It's an international flight, Joe! Do you even have enough set aside to-"

"Yes, yes, Donal', we know what we're doing. Do not worry, my friend."

He would have argued with him, but the smell of burnt meatballs caught his attention first. While he was turning knobs and moving pots, muttering under his breath, José continued,

"It will be simple. I will book our flight for Friday, we arrive Friday evening, maybe Saturday morning, and then, we hit the town! By the way... what is there to do in Duckburg?"

"Joe, wait, listen-" He let out a squawk, having inadvertently knocked the spaghetti pot to the floor in his haste. Hearing the commotion on the other end, his friend laughed and said,

"Sounds like you are having as good a time as we are!" A chorus of " _saúde!_ " could be heard in the background, as if to illustrate his point.

"Are you two out drinking?"

"Just a little," José admitted.

"...And you're making travel plans. How much have you had?"

Another of Panchito's shrieking cries could be heard in the background. "Less than Chito, that's for sure!"

"Joe."

"Trust me, Donal', it's fine! Here, I'll hang up and book the tickets right now, while I still know what it is I am doing. Amazing what you can do with phones these days, no?"

"That's _not_ what I'm saying!" Donald wailed in frustration.

"We'll call again before we leave for the airport. See you soon, my friend!" He placed his hand over the receiver and whistled for his other friend's attention. "Chito! Panchito! Come and say goodbye to Donal'!"

"Joe, WAIT!" Donald yelled again, completely unheard while this was happening.

 _"¡Adios, Donald! "_

 _"Tchau!"_

"GUYS, NO!"

There was a click, and then silence. He glared at the phone for a moment before tucking it back in his pocket with a defeated sigh. _Assuming_ those two fools actually made it to Duckburg, at least he would be seeing them again soon, and his irritation slowly gave way to excitement once again; it had been far too long since the Three Caballeros had gotten together for some good fun.

* * *

The next morning, a certain parrot woke up with a pounding headache, opening his eyes only to immediately shut them again against the morning sun. He groaned and tried to roll over, finding a body blocking his path. Had he brought home a woman last night?

 _"Por favor... ayudame... los tortugas de fuego esta aqui..."_ they murmured in their sleep, revealing that it was only Panchito; not _entirely_ disappointing, but not what he had expected.

He yawned and stretched, then tried opening his eyes again, blinking against the light. Once he'd adjusted to that, he sat up slowly and waited for the dizziness to pass. A quick glance at the clock told him it was a little after nine thirty, which was earlier than he should have liked but too late to consider going back to bed, which meant only one thing; it was time for a pot of coffee. Being careful to disturb the sleeping rooster as little as possible, he got up and shuffled to the kitchen.

As he was sitting down with his freshly brewed cup, there was a thump and a groan from the other room, alerting him that Panchito had rolled out of bed- literally. He chuckled to himself and stifled another yawn. Panchito staggered in, still wearing his clothes from last night as he followed the smell off the coffee.

 _"Buenos días,"_ he mumbled, giving a vague wave in José's general direction. He hummed in response as he took a sip from his mug.

Panchito swayed a little on his feet as he poured his own mug, possibly still a bit drunk, but managed to remain upright and not spill. He downed half of it immediately, winced- whether because it was too hot or too bitter was uncertain- refilled the mug, and set it on the counter as he began to rifle through cabinets. Moments later, there was bread warming in the toaster and he was squinting at a carton of eggs.

"You want anything?" he asked, a bit clearer than the last time he spoke.

"Are you offering?" came the response.

"I'm making breakfast, and it's _tu casa_. It would be rude not to."

"Two eggs," José said around another yawn, "and I think there is some bacon in the bottom drawer."

"There's bacon?" he repeated to himself excitedly.

Soon, the room was filled with soft sizzling and delicious odors, and the both of them had perked up quite a bit. José went back to the bedroom to retrieve his phone so that they might go through the camera roll over breakfast, and relive whatever shenanigans they had gotten up to the night before. There was a plate at his spot when he returned, and Panchito had already scarfed down two and a half eggs and a slice of toast, with plenty more ready to go; if he didn't know any better, José would swear the fellow ate more than his horse did.

" _Obrigado_ ," he said as he took his seat again. Panchito, face full of food, nodded in return.

"Are you ready?" José asked, swiping the lock screen. His friend nodded again and leaned in to see.

What greeted them both was the mobile version of an airline's website; the words on screen thanked them for choosing their company and wished them well on their trip. The two of them exchanged confused looks, and hesitantly, José opened his email to check the details of their supposed trip.

" _¿Qué dice?_ " Panchito asked around a mouthful of bacon.

" _O quê?_ "

"What does it say?" he clarified.

"Hold on, it is loading."

The rooster tapped his fingers impatiently while they waited. A minute later, José's beak twitched upward in a smile, and he let out a hearty laugh.

" _¿Qué es?_ "

"It seems that we were missing our friend last night."

Panchito just stared at him.

"Donal', Chito, Donal'! The flight, it is to Duckburg!"

" _¿En serio?_ "

" _Sim, sim!_ Look, see?" he said, sliding the phone towards him.

"You know I don't read Portuguese."

"You don't need to; only one word here is important!"

Just beneath José's pointing finger was the word "Duckburg", like a beacon to Panchito in a sea of semi-familiar text. He broke out in a grin to match his friend's.

"Are we going?" he asked.

"Well, why not? I have already bought the tickets."

Letting out a whoop, Panchito reached for his pistols, intending to fire into the air.

" _Não dentro de casa!_ " José yelled in a panic, lunging across the table to place a hand over his friend's and stop him.

" _Lo siento_ , sorry," he said sheepishly. Then he sighed happily and said, "You have the best ideas sometimes." Neither of them remembered that it had actually been Panchito's idea in the first place, but that's what too many good drinks can do to a person.

" _Obrigado_ ," José replied, settling back into his seat as Panchito holstered his guns. Positively glowing, the two of them quickly finished their breakfast, mentally planning what to pack and what to do once the three of them were together again. Their flight left tomorrow, after all.

* * *

Friday morning. The guys had a sixteen and a half hour flight ahead of them, and as much as they wanted to see Donald, neither of them were looking forward to the actual _traveling_ aspect. It was hard enough for them to keep still under normal circumstances- one always dancing, the other always wanting to move about in wide, open spaces- and spending most of the day in a cramped airplane cabin was going to be a challenge for both of them. Heaven help the poor flight attendants who were going to be stuck with _these_ two.

Panchito fussed with the ends of his shirt as they waited in line. He felt almost naked without his guns, let alone their holsters, all of which which were safely packed away after double checking at least six times that he could, in fact, keep them in checked baggage. Likewise, José had taken to chewing at his beak without the familiar bulk of a cigar to keep him occupied. Once again, all either of them could think was how this was going to be a _very_ long flight.

Not to mention that it was _way_ too early for any reasonable person to be up. Their flight left at six, which meant being at the airport around four thirty to check in and get everything sorted before boarding. Actually, come to think of it, maybe they could _sleep_ for most of the journey...

Their wait in the terminal was a blur of faces and voices, each passing in and out of their perception like leaves scattered on the breeze. José nibbled absently at the well overpriced candies he'd picked up at the airport shop across the hall- no substitute for that desperately missed cigar, but better than nothing- while his companion dozed lightly beneath his sombrero. When the voice on the intercom finally announced that it was time to board, he gently shook him by the arm and together they queued behind the other passengers to present their tickets.

Once seated, there was nothing more for them to do until they landed in the U.S., which was almost as irritating as it was comforting. They talked with each other for a short while before each drifting into a restless sleep, but that only killed a few hours, and when they woke up, there was still a good ten hours ahead of them; by the time they were circling Duckburg International, Panchito had managed to gouge a small groove in his armrest and José had gone through two bags of his candies. Each of them felt like he might scream when they landed at last, only to wait what felt like another eternity to disembark.

As soon as they were off the plane, Panchito bolted, and it was all the little parrot could do to keep up with him.

"Chito! Panchito, _aguarde!_ " he called after him, his carry-on bag slung over his shoulder and one hand keeping his boater hat in place as he ran. The last thing he needed was to lose track of Panchito in an unfamiliar airport, especially after having been cooped up so long.

When he'd finally caught up, Panchito was doing laps around the baggage claim, whooping and hollering about being free at last while two security guards looked on and shook their heads. José might have laughed if he wasn't feeling so uncharacteristically cranky. Pulling his trademark umbrella from his bag, he reached out and hooked onto the raucous rooster's shirt with the crook, and was nearly pulled over in his attempt to stop him.

"Chito!" he hissed, " _Controle-se! Esse não é o lugar para fazer uma cena!_ "

Panchito would have said something back, but the carousel had started moving; after a few rounds, they were reunited with the rest of their luggage, and one step closer to being able to leave. Side by side this time, as José was still carrying his umbrella although it made handling his bags a bit trickier, they managed to make through customs and finally to their meeting point, where Donald was waiting for them. He appeared to be playing a game on his phone, and didn't notice them until it was too late.

The duck let out a startled squawk as he found himself being lifted off the ground by a still very excitable Panchito, who caught José in his arms as well and twirled them both around in an exuberant hug.

"Donald! At long last! So good to see you again!" he cried, laughing as he set them both down. José scowled at him. His sour mood didn't last much longer, however, and he gave Donald a tired smile as he pulled him in for another, much tamer hug.

"It's been too long, Donal', too long."

"It's great to see you fellas again, too!" he replied, giving José a friendly pat on the back before letting go. "So, how was your flight?"

The parrot's face once again fell into a scowl.

"That bad, huh, Joe?" Donald joked.

"Next time, I book a flight with a layover. I haven't had _um charuto_ since this morning."

"Then what are we standing around for? Let's get to the car so you can light up," he grinned, reaching to help them with their bags. They each thanked him in their respective languages.

As Donald loaded everything into the old 313, José leaned back in the passenger seat and, at long last, lit one of his precious cigars. He took a long drag, held it a moment, and exhaled a deep sigh of contentment.

"Feeling better, Zé?" Panchito asked from the backseat.

" _Muito,_ " was the reply.

Laughing, he reached forward and tipped his friend's hat down over his eyes. In response, he turned in his seat and blew a smoke ring at him.

" _Idiota,_ " he chuckled as Panchito waved the smoke away, still grinning.

Donald brushed the dust from his hands and slid in behind the wheel. "Everyone buckled up?"

The other two hummed to the affirmative.

"Then let's go!"

Once Donald had navigated out of the parking lot and pulled out onto the highway, Panchito leaned forward and rested his head on his arms between his two friends, looking from one to the other expectantly.

"...What are you doing?" José asked suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing. It's just... we're Three Caballeros."

"Three gay Caballeros?" Donald chimed in. All at once, the three of them broke out in song.

 _"And they say we are birds of a featheeeeerrr~!"_

The road rang with their joyous voices all the way home.


End file.
